Why Do I Put my Life on Hold?

If I step back and take a look at the last...oh....lets say 18 years of my life, I will see that I have continuously put my life on hold until I am "skinny".

There have been times recently that I stop and ask myself "Why do I do this? Why does it seem like I am waiting to live life to the fullest until I lose weight? Why dont I just forget about losing weight, eat healthy AND start living life?" These are thoughts that run through my head from time to time when I get frustrated becuase the weight isnt coming off as rapidly as I think it should. Is it possible to live life AND lose weight at the same time? Gosh I should hope so....but why cant I do this? Why do I constantly tell myself..."I will do (blank) when I lose some weight." or "I cant wait to wear (blank) when I drop 20 more pounds" In the end, when I step back and look at this it seems as if I am putting my living my life to the fullest aside waiting for some unwanted pounds to come off. This doesnt seem like a very fun way to live life. Then before you know it.... your 30. :(

Where has "life" gone? Well....when I was 19 or 20....I told myself....surely I would drop the weight in a few years and then I can have fun!! But...a few years down the road found myself at the same weight or bigger. Well gee....this isnt how that was supposed to go. So I do that over and over and over.....until I realize, oh my.....I am staring 30 right in the face, and all I have to show for it is a measly 20 pounds. No where near the 50 I was striving for. And mind you.... I have been on a constant "diet" since October of 2009 and only lost 20 pounds. Yet, the people around me that are on the same diet are within 10 pounds or less of their goal weight. I still have another 40 to go before I am even close to my goal. How is this fair?

So maybe I cheat a little more than I should and I dont exercise as much as I should....but if I were so strict as to be able to not do these things....then I am right back where I started "Why am I putting living life off until I lose weight?" For me....food is an enjoyment of life. I enjoy eating good food. So, why should I deprive myself of the foods I enjoy until I am "skinny"? This I dont know...and it seems like a vicious circle I have gotten myself in to. Diet....not living life (in my book anyway).....eat something I enjoy to "live life"...then I feel guilty and gain what seems like 5 pounds....feel guilty....and then go on to continue "not living life". So, this results in me losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. Very frustrating.

So....trying to come up with a better solution to my situation has lead me to try a new approach. Continue to eat the things that are healthy for me....try not to think of this as a diet, but as a way I have to eat now. Because I know if I ever reach a goal weight and try to eat like I did before I started dieting....it will all come back. Eat some things that I enjoy....but make sure I really enjoy what it is I choose. And then go on with life. If I lose weight....GREAT! If I dont...well then at least I will maintain until my body decides to let go of some more. Maybe if I ever get some free time, I could possibly throw some exercise my way, but that doesnt usually happen. But I am not going to put my life on hold anymore. Before I know it...my life will be over, and I will have nothing to show for it and I will regret putting it on hold.

Why my body holds on to weight so tightly is beyond me.....maybe it has something to do with the PCOS, at least thats what I am told. But I have been obsessing about my weight since I was 12. Always wishing and hoping it would come off....trying every diet...hoping this will be the one. Always failing. Maybe its not something I can blame on PCOS....maybe its just me. Maybe I'm not as strict with myself as I should be. OR maybe its both. Either way....

I am tired of waiting.