The Decision

Ok, so I have been thinking alot lately about my life and what God has in store for me and my husband. And one of these thoughts (a major one) is extending our family. By this I mean....having kids. It is still an internal conflict for me to make a solid decision about this. Do I want to have one, or do I not?

I usually base my decision on where I am at the moment....and I am not sure this is good. When someone close to me is getting ready to have a baby, then I really want one...pretty bad. Or when I think of my future....like way in the future....I want to have that extension of family when I get older. I want to have grandkids and have that "family closeness" around holidays and gatherings. I want to expeirience that love that everyone talks about that you can only experience when you have a child. I think it would be fabulous to get to stay home with a baby and a toddler and just have fun and teach thier new mind all kinds of things. But for some reason when I think of them getting older (especially girls) it doesnt seem so appealing anymore. But I think everyone goes through that when they think of their children becoming teenagers. At that point, I just hope and pray that my child is a well balanced individual that doesnt get in to too much trouble...if not none at all. And then theres the whole intimacy of wanting to create a human being with the love of my life and share that part of life with him.

Then there are times where I think I am very happy and content with just me and him. And that this may not be so bad without kids. We would have more money, more time to ourselves... and more freedom. I think..."ok, right now I am very content with just me and him. someday I will have a kid...but not just yet" And now, all of a sudden....I am almost 30. Will this thought ever change? will it ever be "the right time"? when do you just up and decide...ok, its time...lets have a baby! But I am being selfish by saying that I like things just as they are and I choose to keep them that way? That I choose for it to just be me and my husband so that we can keep our freedom and have more money for just the 2 of us? Sounds selfish.

I often wonder if some people have kids just becuase thats what they are supposed to do next after marriage.... or if they ever really truly think about it. How will this change my life? How will I adjust? What do we do financially now? What happens to our jobs? Who quits and stays home? DO we quit, or choose to find daycare? Then WHAT daycare do we choose to leave our infant with? These are all questions that fill my head when I think I want to go ahead and make the decision to have one. Then it all gets overwhelming. Sometimes I think "what would I give to just be one of those people that accidently gets pregnant and is forced to make those decisions"? And then theres those that just sit at home, raising thier kids off of welfare and the government. Seems like a pretty easy way out.

Then I ask my husband...."are you ready?" and I think, judging from his answer, that he is having the same conflicts as me. Or close. He tells me he isnt ready to sacrifice all the attention I give him, to give it to a child. Is that selfish? guess it depends on how you look at it. Yet, I also think he feels like time is running out and that thats what everyone else is doing, or what everyone else is expecting of us...so I guess we should do it.

But do you really base your decision on what everyone else wants? Probably not....especially that big of a decision.

So here I am.... almost 30. And STILL wondering "do I want to have kids?" and "when will I be ready?"