I don’t get it, why in the world is it so hard for me to not eat the things that are bad for me? Why is it so hard for me to say no and stick with that answer? People constantly bring sweets to work to share, cakes, cookies, pie, cheesecake, brownies…you name it someone has brought it. I can resist the urge most of the day, but then in the afternoon after lunch it’s the hardest. I always tell myself, “This is the last time, after this, no more!” And then later in the week, or the next week, I tell myself the same thing.
This really bad behavior is keeping me from losing the weight I have been wanting to lose. I have been stuck at the same weight for months now because of this horrible problem I have. How can I over come this issue I have with food? I have tried putting something else in my mouth, something healthy….doesnt work. I have tried eating sugar free candy in place of it….that doesn’t work. I am at a loss of what to do. I guess I am really the only one that has control over what goes in my mouth so its something I am going to have to overcome and just not do anymore. But when will that day come? I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I wish I it would hurry up and get here…I really need stronger will power.
Why do I have such a problem?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Fear
Found this the other day while surfing a favorite Forum of mine and thought it was really insightful.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
Monday, June 28, 2010
Why Do I Put my Life on Hold?
If I step back and take a look at the last...oh....lets say 18 years of my life, I will see that I have continuously put my life on hold until I am "skinny".
There have been times recently that I stop and ask myself "Why do I do this? Why does it seem like I am waiting to live life to the fullest until I lose weight? Why dont I just forget about losing weight, eat healthy AND start living life?" These are thoughts that run through my head from time to time when I get frustrated becuase the weight isnt coming off as rapidly as I think it should. Is it possible to live life AND lose weight at the same time? Gosh I should hope so....but why cant I do this? Why do I constantly tell myself..."I will do (blank) when I lose some weight." or "I cant wait to wear (blank) when I drop 20 more pounds" In the end, when I step back and look at this it seems as if I am putting my living my life to the fullest aside waiting for some unwanted pounds to come off. This doesnt seem like a very fun way to live life. Then before you know it.... your 30. :(
Where has "life" gone? Well....when I was 19 or 20....I told myself....surely I would drop the weight in a few years and then I can have fun!! But...a few years down the road found myself at the same weight or bigger. Well gee....this isnt how that was supposed to go. So I do that over and over and over.....until I realize, oh my.....I am staring 30 right in the face, and all I have to show for it is a measly 20 pounds. No where near the 50 I was striving for. And mind you.... I have been on a constant "diet" since October of 2009 and only lost 20 pounds. Yet, the people around me that are on the same diet are within 10 pounds or less of their goal weight. I still have another 40 to go before I am even close to my goal. How is this fair?
So maybe I cheat a little more than I should and I dont exercise as much as I should....but if I were so strict as to be able to not do these things....then I am right back where I started "Why am I putting living life off until I lose weight?" For me....food is an enjoyment of life. I enjoy eating good food. So, why should I deprive myself of the foods I enjoy until I am "skinny"? This I dont know...and it seems like a vicious circle I have gotten myself in to. Diet....not living life (in my book anyway).....eat something I enjoy to "live life"...then I feel guilty and gain what seems like 5 pounds....feel guilty....and then go on to continue "not living life". So, this results in me losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. Very frustrating.
So....trying to come up with a better solution to my situation has lead me to try a new approach. Continue to eat the things that are healthy for me....try not to think of this as a diet, but as a way I have to eat now. Because I know if I ever reach a goal weight and try to eat like I did before I started dieting....it will all come back. Eat some things that I enjoy....but make sure I really enjoy what it is I choose. And then go on with life. If I lose weight....GREAT! If I dont...well then at least I will maintain until my body decides to let go of some more. Maybe if I ever get some free time, I could possibly throw some exercise my way, but that doesnt usually happen. But I am not going to put my life on hold anymore. Before I know it...my life will be over, and I will have nothing to show for it and I will regret putting it on hold.
Why my body holds on to weight so tightly is beyond me.....maybe it has something to do with the PCOS, at least thats what I am told. But I have been obsessing about my weight since I was 12. Always wishing and hoping it would come off....trying every diet...hoping this will be the one. Always failing. Maybe its not something I can blame on PCOS....maybe its just me. Maybe I'm not as strict with myself as I should be. OR maybe its both. Either way....
I am tired of waiting.
There have been times recently that I stop and ask myself "Why do I do this? Why does it seem like I am waiting to live life to the fullest until I lose weight? Why dont I just forget about losing weight, eat healthy AND start living life?" These are thoughts that run through my head from time to time when I get frustrated becuase the weight isnt coming off as rapidly as I think it should. Is it possible to live life AND lose weight at the same time? Gosh I should hope so....but why cant I do this? Why do I constantly tell myself..."I will do (blank) when I lose some weight." or "I cant wait to wear (blank) when I drop 20 more pounds" In the end, when I step back and look at this it seems as if I am putting my living my life to the fullest aside waiting for some unwanted pounds to come off. This doesnt seem like a very fun way to live life. Then before you know it.... your 30. :(
Where has "life" gone? Well....when I was 19 or 20....I told myself....surely I would drop the weight in a few years and then I can have fun!! But...a few years down the road found myself at the same weight or bigger. Well gee....this isnt how that was supposed to go. So I do that over and over and over.....until I realize, oh my.....I am staring 30 right in the face, and all I have to show for it is a measly 20 pounds. No where near the 50 I was striving for. And mind you.... I have been on a constant "diet" since October of 2009 and only lost 20 pounds. Yet, the people around me that are on the same diet are within 10 pounds or less of their goal weight. I still have another 40 to go before I am even close to my goal. How is this fair?
So maybe I cheat a little more than I should and I dont exercise as much as I should....but if I were so strict as to be able to not do these things....then I am right back where I started "Why am I putting living life off until I lose weight?" For me....food is an enjoyment of life. I enjoy eating good food. So, why should I deprive myself of the foods I enjoy until I am "skinny"? This I dont know...and it seems like a vicious circle I have gotten myself in to. Diet....not living life (in my book anyway).....eat something I enjoy to "live life"...then I feel guilty and gain what seems like 5 pounds....feel guilty....and then go on to continue "not living life". So, this results in me losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. Very frustrating.
So....trying to come up with a better solution to my situation has lead me to try a new approach. Continue to eat the things that are healthy for me....try not to think of this as a diet, but as a way I have to eat now. Because I know if I ever reach a goal weight and try to eat like I did before I started dieting....it will all come back. Eat some things that I enjoy....but make sure I really enjoy what it is I choose. And then go on with life. If I lose weight....GREAT! If I dont...well then at least I will maintain until my body decides to let go of some more. Maybe if I ever get some free time, I could possibly throw some exercise my way, but that doesnt usually happen. But I am not going to put my life on hold anymore. Before I know it...my life will be over, and I will have nothing to show for it and I will regret putting it on hold.
Why my body holds on to weight so tightly is beyond me.....maybe it has something to do with the PCOS, at least thats what I am told. But I have been obsessing about my weight since I was 12. Always wishing and hoping it would come off....trying every diet...hoping this will be the one. Always failing. Maybe its not something I can blame on PCOS....maybe its just me. Maybe I'm not as strict with myself as I should be. OR maybe its both. Either way....
I am tired of waiting.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Decision
Ok, so I have been thinking alot lately about my life and what God has in store for me and my husband. And one of these thoughts (a major one) is extending our family. By this I mean....having kids. It is still an internal conflict for me to make a solid decision about this. Do I want to have one, or do I not?
I usually base my decision on where I am at the moment....and I am not sure this is good. When someone close to me is getting ready to have a baby, then I really want one...pretty bad. Or when I think of my future....like way in the future....I want to have that extension of family when I get older. I want to have grandkids and have that "family closeness" around holidays and gatherings. I want to expeirience that love that everyone talks about that you can only experience when you have a child. I think it would be fabulous to get to stay home with a baby and a toddler and just have fun and teach thier new mind all kinds of things. But for some reason when I think of them getting older (especially girls) it doesnt seem so appealing anymore. But I think everyone goes through that when they think of their children becoming teenagers. At that point, I just hope and pray that my child is a well balanced individual that doesnt get in to too much trouble...if not none at all. And then theres the whole intimacy of wanting to create a human being with the love of my life and share that part of life with him.
Then there are times where I think I am very happy and content with just me and him. And that this may not be so bad without kids. We would have more money, more time to ourselves... and more freedom. I think..."ok, right now I am very content with just me and him. someday I will have a kid...but not just yet" And now, all of a sudden....I am almost 30. Will this thought ever change? will it ever be "the right time"? when do you just up and decide...ok, its time...lets have a baby! But I am being selfish by saying that I like things just as they are and I choose to keep them that way? That I choose for it to just be me and my husband so that we can keep our freedom and have more money for just the 2 of us? Sounds selfish.
I often wonder if some people have kids just becuase thats what they are supposed to do next after marriage.... or if they ever really truly think about it. How will this change my life? How will I adjust? What do we do financially now? What happens to our jobs? Who quits and stays home? DO we quit, or choose to find daycare? Then WHAT daycare do we choose to leave our infant with? These are all questions that fill my head when I think I want to go ahead and make the decision to have one. Then it all gets overwhelming. Sometimes I think "what would I give to just be one of those people that accidently gets pregnant and is forced to make those decisions"? And then theres those that just sit at home, raising thier kids off of welfare and the government. Seems like a pretty easy way out.
Then I ask my husband...."are you ready?" and I think, judging from his answer, that he is having the same conflicts as me. Or close. He tells me he isnt ready to sacrifice all the attention I give him, to give it to a child. Is that selfish? guess it depends on how you look at it. Yet, I also think he feels like time is running out and that thats what everyone else is doing, or what everyone else is expecting of us...so I guess we should do it.
But do you really base your decision on what everyone else wants? Probably not....especially that big of a decision.
So here I am.... almost 30. And STILL wondering "do I want to have kids?" and "when will I be ready?"
I usually base my decision on where I am at the moment....and I am not sure this is good. When someone close to me is getting ready to have a baby, then I really want one...pretty bad. Or when I think of my future....like way in the future....I want to have that extension of family when I get older. I want to have grandkids and have that "family closeness" around holidays and gatherings. I want to expeirience that love that everyone talks about that you can only experience when you have a child. I think it would be fabulous to get to stay home with a baby and a toddler and just have fun and teach thier new mind all kinds of things. But for some reason when I think of them getting older (especially girls) it doesnt seem so appealing anymore. But I think everyone goes through that when they think of their children becoming teenagers. At that point, I just hope and pray that my child is a well balanced individual that doesnt get in to too much trouble...if not none at all. And then theres the whole intimacy of wanting to create a human being with the love of my life and share that part of life with him.
Then there are times where I think I am very happy and content with just me and him. And that this may not be so bad without kids. We would have more money, more time to ourselves... and more freedom. I think..."ok, right now I am very content with just me and him. someday I will have a kid...but not just yet" And now, all of a sudden....I am almost 30. Will this thought ever change? will it ever be "the right time"? when do you just up and decide...ok, its time...lets have a baby! But I am being selfish by saying that I like things just as they are and I choose to keep them that way? That I choose for it to just be me and my husband so that we can keep our freedom and have more money for just the 2 of us? Sounds selfish.
I often wonder if some people have kids just becuase thats what they are supposed to do next after marriage.... or if they ever really truly think about it. How will this change my life? How will I adjust? What do we do financially now? What happens to our jobs? Who quits and stays home? DO we quit, or choose to find daycare? Then WHAT daycare do we choose to leave our infant with? These are all questions that fill my head when I think I want to go ahead and make the decision to have one. Then it all gets overwhelming. Sometimes I think "what would I give to just be one of those people that accidently gets pregnant and is forced to make those decisions"? And then theres those that just sit at home, raising thier kids off of welfare and the government. Seems like a pretty easy way out.
Then I ask my husband...."are you ready?" and I think, judging from his answer, that he is having the same conflicts as me. Or close. He tells me he isnt ready to sacrifice all the attention I give him, to give it to a child. Is that selfish? guess it depends on how you look at it. Yet, I also think he feels like time is running out and that thats what everyone else is doing, or what everyone else is expecting of us...so I guess we should do it.
But do you really base your decision on what everyone else wants? Probably not....especially that big of a decision.
So here I am.... almost 30. And STILL wondering "do I want to have kids?" and "when will I be ready?"
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Hard Desicion
So my mom called me last night letting me know what time they would be going to the jail to visit my brother. He's currently serving 60 days for DUI. She told me they would get there super early to allow me to be able to go see him before I get to work. So I said ok. Then we make plans after that for lunch. I would meet them at Dennys. After I got off the phone with her something just didnt feel right. I think they only allow one person in at a time to speak to inmates when they have visitors....what in the world would I even talk to him about? "Hey...so...hows the food?" Um...can we say awkward? So here I am sitting....thinking about how awkward this is going to be. ANd then I have my husband next to me voicing his opinions on the whole situation...which is kinda harsh....yet I kind of agree with him. Saying that he made some really stupid choices and could have potentially killed someone or himself and he deserves to be in jail, alone, to think about what he's done. He's totally right.
Yet, why am I still struggling with this? So I called my mom back and told her that I wouldnt be comeing with them to visit....I know from the sound of her voice that she couldnt comprehend why in the world I wouldnt want to go see my little brother. ANd thats not it. Thats the thing....I do want to see him....but, not under those circumstances. So I sat there on the phone with her trying not to cry, fumbling for words on how to explain myself even though I know she wouldnt understand. And why I am I trying not to cry....I have no clue....its an upsetting situation because by no means do I want to hurt my brothers feelings and him not think I dont love him. Yet, I need to stand by my beliefs in that I dont think what he did was right, so I am not going to go show my support of that by visiting him and making him think that I think what he did was ok. He really needs to sit in there and think about what he did and how he is going to turn his life around and grow up and make something of himself. He's almost 26 years old and still acts like he is 18. He needs to understand that his partying days are over and he needs to start making a productive life for himself. But in all honesty....I dont think this is going to do it. But one can hope right?
So here is sit....still worried if I did the right thing or not....trying really hard not to feel bad for not going to see him and only hoping that my family can see and understand my reasons for doing so. I am not mean or cold-hearted. I guess you could call it tough love. Praying everyday that he changes his ways and makes a better life for himself.
Yet, why am I still struggling with this? So I called my mom back and told her that I wouldnt be comeing with them to visit....I know from the sound of her voice that she couldnt comprehend why in the world I wouldnt want to go see my little brother. ANd thats not it. Thats the thing....I do want to see him....but, not under those circumstances. So I sat there on the phone with her trying not to cry, fumbling for words on how to explain myself even though I know she wouldnt understand. And why I am I trying not to cry....I have no clue....its an upsetting situation because by no means do I want to hurt my brothers feelings and him not think I dont love him. Yet, I need to stand by my beliefs in that I dont think what he did was right, so I am not going to go show my support of that by visiting him and making him think that I think what he did was ok. He really needs to sit in there and think about what he did and how he is going to turn his life around and grow up and make something of himself. He's almost 26 years old and still acts like he is 18. He needs to understand that his partying days are over and he needs to start making a productive life for himself. But in all honesty....I dont think this is going to do it. But one can hope right?
So here is sit....still worried if I did the right thing or not....trying really hard not to feel bad for not going to see him and only hoping that my family can see and understand my reasons for doing so. I am not mean or cold-hearted. I guess you could call it tough love. Praying everyday that he changes his ways and makes a better life for himself.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Lost without a Best
As a child I had many friends and a few best friends. As I grow older, I am realizing that obtaining and keeping a best friend is very hard. In fact, sometimes I don't even think I have one anymore. And, although I adore my husband and he is my number one confidant, it just isn't the same. He is not someone I can have a girls day with....get my hair and nails done...shop...those sorts of things. Sometimes we really just need that same sex companionship. Someone we can totally trust not to judge us when we tell them our deepest secrets and thoughts.
Right now I have an internal conflict with who my best friend really is at the moment, or if I even have one. There are two people in my life that are females that I really enjoy spending time with, but they both live a ways away from me and I am pretty sure one already has a best friend ( and I don't dare interfere, but just wish I had that relationship sometimes). The other I have a lot of history with....but I feel that since she left years ago for the Coast Guard...our lives have grown significantly apart. She now has a child and has matured in ways that I never will until I have a child of my own. She still strives to have that close relationship with me sometimes, and we will plan to try to do something fun....but most of the time...our now separate lives usually get in the way. Ah...the joy of growing up and gaining responsibilities. Oh how I wish we could live closer and become close again. She really was the one person that truly understood me and I couldn't ask for a better person that likes the same things that I do. People watching at Denny's being one of our most favorite past times. :D
So....here I am with this conflict of what to do, or if I should do anything at all. Maybe I should just trust that God will handle this conflict, and that I should try to strengthen both the relationships that I have been blessed with to the best of my ability and be grateful that they both are part of my life.
Right now I have an internal conflict with who my best friend really is at the moment, or if I even have one. There are two people in my life that are females that I really enjoy spending time with, but they both live a ways away from me and I am pretty sure one already has a best friend ( and I don't dare interfere, but just wish I had that relationship sometimes). The other I have a lot of history with....but I feel that since she left years ago for the Coast Guard...our lives have grown significantly apart. She now has a child and has matured in ways that I never will until I have a child of my own. She still strives to have that close relationship with me sometimes, and we will plan to try to do something fun....but most of the time...our now separate lives usually get in the way. Ah...the joy of growing up and gaining responsibilities. Oh how I wish we could live closer and become close again. She really was the one person that truly understood me and I couldn't ask for a better person that likes the same things that I do. People watching at Denny's being one of our most favorite past times. :D
So....here I am with this conflict of what to do, or if I should do anything at all. Maybe I should just trust that God will handle this conflict, and that I should try to strengthen both the relationships that I have been blessed with to the best of my ability and be grateful that they both are part of my life.
The present comsumption of my thoughts
So I have a confession to make. I personally don’t think this is a bad thing….but my husband thinks I am completely nuts. At night when I don’t have anything to do….let me rephrase this…when I have decided that I need an evening of “me time” I get on you tube and look up videos on rides at Disneyland. Ok…you can stop laughing now. ;)
Mandi, Jason, Brandon and I have decided to embark on a mini vacation to sunny southern California to go to Disneyland and California Adventure for 4 days in April. I CANT WAIT!! I am really very excited about this. I was born and raised in California for 16 years….so you would think Disneyland would be old news to me….nope, love it! Been there about 5 times and still think it’s the greatest place ever. My time there is never long enough and I try to savor every minute I am there….but it just doesn’t seem to last very long. So you can imagine how excited I am to share this experience with my husband and our family. (Family being Mandi and Jason J)
It took quite some maneuvering but we seemed to manage a date that wasn’t wayyyy out in the far future like October or November. We moved around schedules and made it work. I am very grateful for this. Oh…did I mention this was a Christmas present from my wonderful husband?? Gosh I LOVE him!! We won’t have much money to go with…but I think the memories and pictures far outweigh being able to buy useless souvenirs that will sit on shelves and collect dust. And we have decided ( I think) on a great hotel that has a kitchenette and full sized appliances in each room, so we should save money on food….and be able to eat healthy still.
We will be leaving on a Thursday and returning on a Monday. Should be plenty of time to see both parks and maybe even ride some favorite rides over again. J Some of my favorites are The Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain….and I kinda like the Tiki Room too…as corny as that sounds. I once went with one of my cousins and we tried to ride every ride in the park in one day….we almost made it. And I found out I like some of the rides that I wouldn’t think I would. Even the Alice in Wonderland and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride are pretty neat.
So, needless to say….I am really looking forward to getting away from my everyday life and adding some magic to my life for 4 days and enjoying the company of great friends that we really enjoy the company of!
Mandi, Jason, Brandon and I have decided to embark on a mini vacation to sunny southern California to go to Disneyland and California Adventure for 4 days in April. I CANT WAIT!! I am really very excited about this. I was born and raised in California for 16 years….so you would think Disneyland would be old news to me….nope, love it! Been there about 5 times and still think it’s the greatest place ever. My time there is never long enough and I try to savor every minute I am there….but it just doesn’t seem to last very long. So you can imagine how excited I am to share this experience with my husband and our family. (Family being Mandi and Jason J)
It took quite some maneuvering but we seemed to manage a date that wasn’t wayyyy out in the far future like October or November. We moved around schedules and made it work. I am very grateful for this. Oh…did I mention this was a Christmas present from my wonderful husband?? Gosh I LOVE him!! We won’t have much money to go with…but I think the memories and pictures far outweigh being able to buy useless souvenirs that will sit on shelves and collect dust. And we have decided ( I think) on a great hotel that has a kitchenette and full sized appliances in each room, so we should save money on food….and be able to eat healthy still.
We will be leaving on a Thursday and returning on a Monday. Should be plenty of time to see both parks and maybe even ride some favorite rides over again. J Some of my favorites are The Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain….and I kinda like the Tiki Room too…as corny as that sounds. I once went with one of my cousins and we tried to ride every ride in the park in one day….we almost made it. And I found out I like some of the rides that I wouldn’t think I would. Even the Alice in Wonderland and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride are pretty neat.
So, needless to say….I am really looking forward to getting away from my everyday life and adding some magic to my life for 4 days and enjoying the company of great friends that we really enjoy the company of!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Hmmm....
Not sure about this blogging thing....but I figure, why not give it a try? Should I consider it like a journal or diary of some sort, or perhaps not as personal because everyone can see my thoughts? Maybe some would be offended by my thoughts....I have been told that somethings should just go unsaid, but then I have also been taught to speak my mind that it make us who we are. So...which is correct? Where does one draw the line as to what would offend one person as opposed to another? These are questions that go unanswered in my head. And maybe that offended person needs to hear what was said so they know that they have crossed your line.
But then again, these are just my opinions and thoughts. I have been told a few times that my opinions shouldn't be said or are irrelevant, but I am kinda offended by that. Why can I not voice my opinions? Again, we are back at the question.... who is offended by what I say?
There are definately different personalities in this world. And there are some I get along with and some I dont. I just choose not to associate with the ones I dont get along with. You do your thing and I will do mine.....but dont try to make me like your thing.
So, here I sit....wondering what to blog about and where to draw my opinionated line......
But then again, these are just my opinions and thoughts. I have been told a few times that my opinions shouldn't be said or are irrelevant, but I am kinda offended by that. Why can I not voice my opinions? Again, we are back at the question.... who is offended by what I say?
There are definately different personalities in this world. And there are some I get along with and some I dont. I just choose not to associate with the ones I dont get along with. You do your thing and I will do mine.....but dont try to make me like your thing.
So, here I sit....wondering what to blog about and where to draw my opinionated line......
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